~The Music of the Night~
May. 28th, 2006
Ever since I could remember I have been the one to always see the good in everybody. No matter what they have done in their life. From the biggest to the smallest flaw, I somehow always found an ounce of something good in someone to justify that they are not a loser to life. Tonight I was just exposed to someone who has an overflowing rush of hatred towards her father because he is an alcoholic. Granted I may not have ALL the experience when it comes to living with an alcoholic but based upon my observation of this family, I am not surprised that its dysfunctional. The relationship between the mother and the father does not appear to be all that strong and the kids seem to have this utter annoyance of him. I understand through others the difficulity of living with an alcoholic but what I find to be completely proposterious is that instead of doing something about either the individual who is the alcoholic or the living situation, they just sit around upset about where they are. If they sincerely have THAT much of an issue with their family situation, either accept it and try to work through it, or leave it. I give no sympathy to someone who complains about a situation and does NOTHING to change it.
Maybe if they thought about the one who is the alcoholic for ONE second, they might see how unhappy their life is and see that maybe the fact that the WHOLE FAMILY is against him probably does not help his situation. To tell that person to their face how much you hate them I can probably quarantee that that does not help that one's need to drink. I understand they have tried to get help before and it hasnt helped, I understand other things that he might have done and how he puts on this fascade of himself to make himself better. But what my concern is how hypocritical you sound bashing him in front of your b/f who treats you like COMPLETE shit, takes your money, doesnt give you ANY love, is all talk and no action, manipulates you, has you on a leash to where you need to tell him where you are every waking hour, tells you who and who you cannot hang out with, and then rarely ever sees you and makes you feel guilty when HE decides to see you and you arent around. Its ridiculous. Especially when I have known this person to be so strong, and now I see her so small. I just cannot take it.
I just do not want to be a part of this anymore, its been 3 months of aggrevation and it is just getting worse. There is definatly something wrong when everyone around you hates your b/f except you. I have always gone by the fact that if he cannot treat your family and friends with respect, then what makes you think that he will treat YOU with respect. If everyone you know is saying what he does behind your back, that he cheats on you, and gives you hard proof, shouldnt you believe that? But no, you would much rather ignore it because you love him? That's complete BULLSHIT! What you feel for him is NOT love.
I have learned through others that you CANNOT fall head over heels for the first guy that says you have beautiful eyes. Many guys are out there as charmers to get ass. I hate when females just fall into traps like that. Just sickens me.
May. 19th, 2006
01:24 am - Change of attitude
So I did always wonder about those relationships where the couple "break up" and then get back together, or take a "break" and come back together. I always thought "if u really need to be on a break then you should just say completely be done with a relationship" but this was before it happened to me. So alright I have no regrets after all. I am still happy for the decision to have sex with Aaron only two months into the relationship. I guess I didnt realize how strong my feelings for him were until I called a break and realized that I don't care to think, hang with, or deal with any other guy emotionally or physically as I do with Aaron.
Looking back to the time when he was at my house and we were huggin and standing in front of the mirror and I looked at us did I truely know that this was someone that I was going to be with for a long time. I am not going to jinx myself and say forever because forever is a powerful word to use. I am a realist, I understand the concept of time and what its limits are.
I still am happy to say that I havent said those three words to him. Unless your with a person every waking moment I feel that you cannot fully attach urself to them in a way in which they have your heart. For me I still need the time understand the ways and thoughts and mannerisms and just everything about Aaron. I do know I have the disadvantage of having him live an hour and a half away. But I feel that that makes our relationship better in the aspect that we cherish the time that we spend. I have only really had one fight with him in the almost three months of our relationship. 95% of the time is just pure bliss and joy, still can't believing that I got this lucky finally to find a guy that is everything that I want. (Well alright maybe not everything, but everything that im willing to deal with if it possesses flaw)
I actually cannot wait for the summer to come sp that our relationship can grow even more and being able to experience things with him that I have never had before is something definatly worth looking foward to.
May. 10th, 2006
09:35 am - Dissappointment
So I have kept telling myself that what I did was fine. That what I did would only better my relationship. Although it was against the norm of what I would have done 2 months into the relationship, it felt right. But looking back on it now a couple weeks (and a couple times) later. For the first time in my life I am experiencing regret.
What I thought was going to be a longer relationship than 2 months turned into me being decieted and fooled by Aaron. In the end guys only do want one thing. This thing to them doesnt really mean half as much as it does for us when done. I am dissappointed in myself for allowing to think that this was alright to do after 2 months. I should have waited, should have seen how he was going to be. If I did I would have held off and would have felt better. But alas I can't go back in time (which sucks) So now I have to keep an open eye and barracade my heart to not allow this to happen again.
This summer is going to suck because of all that I have been told was going to happen only to have it all be a lie. I am done with relationships. They just do not work out for me. GuyS suck !
Apr. 22nd, 2006
03:07 pm - Long Time no Update
So its been over a month since I have updated on this. I think the reason I am not completely into it anymore is well, idk, can't put my finger on it now but its just EH.
So life has turned for me I must say. It went from "oh yay I love being a teenager and life is good" to "oh great I am 20 (no longer a teenager) and now I have all these responsibilities to deal with"
So many things to deal with:
Paying college (yes I have loans but in community college not ALL is paid off for me because apparently my family is wealthy (HA) and I do not get financial aid) so I have a difference that I have to pay
The parental units have started requiring car payments from me
Gas prices are SOARING !!! and I am fortunate enough to have an AMAZING b/f that lives an hour and a half away from me.
Entertainment is expensive and to be able to do ANYTHING in happy valley requires money
so with all of those factors in mind I can no longer work part time. I must start working more hours. Yes it sucks that I will have to decrease my social life but I have no choice, I have to get money somehow and I was told that I am not allowed to sell my body. So that idea is out of a question.
But in a way its good that I am getting a taste of what its like to start REALLY being an adult and doin the mature thing and giving up my social life to better my life in the long term sense.
Also I have to make more moeny now because by January I shall be AWAY from happy valley. So I will need some money to get by because whatever 4 year college i go to I have to go back to working part time.
But I do need to get away from here. I can no longer stand living with my parents. As much as I love them, I need more privacy and independance than I already have. I really am getting older and have to start getting out there on my own.
SO many things going through the mind its crAzy !
Mar. 2nd, 2006
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LiveJournal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.
1. Everytime we touch - Cascada (slow version and candlelight version)
2. Shake - Ying Yang Twins and Pitbull
3. Temperature - Sean Paul
4. SOS - Rihanna
5. What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey
6. Touch it - Busta Rhymes
7. Check up on it - Beyonce
Feb. 10th, 2006
So life is still somewhat of a dull. Last weekend I did go to Rowan to visit Angela but that turned out to be more dramatic than I had anticipated. This weekend will be even less exciting than last weekend and less dramatic at that. With everyone back at college there are no plans that take place every night. With everyone back at college I rarely speak to my friends because they are so busy with their lives @ their colleges. I don't necessarily envy them because I have no desire to be in a cramped dorm with gross food and endless amounts of laundry to squeeze in whilst studying for exams. I just wish that the people that I kind of knew more people from BCC that lived close to me that I could hang out with that had the same sort of daily schedule as myself. But I just have to deal. At least some people are coming home the following weekend for presidents day. I get to have my friend fix for the weekend. Maybe that will hold me over for a little bit.But for now I shall go and work out because that's what I have been doing a lot lately to cure my boredom.
Feb. 6th, 2006
create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.
Oh man I have been waiting forever for someone to post this so that I could be able to do it. For some reason I couldnt find the site myself. THANX A ME CANT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! I have visited a good number of states and I do plan on visiting more. I will be going to Vermont at the end of Jan to visit Neen @ her school and I plan on going to Freeport, RI sometime in March. So then finally I would have visited all of the Northeast. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!
So yea. I havent updated in forever because well ... quite frankly my life isnt all that amazing right now. All I do basically is attend class, go to work, and study. Try to get some sleep in there. OH YES I also cannot forget to mention that I do go to the gym almost everyday. It's amazing how motivated I feel these days. Its a good thing though and I must do what I feel motivated to do while I still feel motivated to do it. (If that makes any sense lol)
Last nite's Greys was SOOOOOOO INTENSE !!! I cannot wait till next sunday! I hope that no one dies and that everything works out smoothly like butter.
Well must go and attend to my studys.
Peace out <3
Jan. 20th, 2006
11:14 am - Do be do be doooooooo
So yesterday I had a 24 hour stomach virus. It SUCKED the big one!! I hate throwing up, end of story. I think I would rather have a migraine than a stomach virus.
School started. All my profesors (who so happen to be doctors as well) definatly enjoy keeping the class the ENTIRE period. They also enjoy giving lots of work to the students. This is going to be a fun semester. NOT!
The last movie I have seen was Grandma's boy. It was comical. I rented Bad News Bears which I may watch tonight.
I did a total 360 on my room and I put my tV back in there. So now I can watch movies and such. SCORE!
I joined a gym. Hoping to have a nice bod all set up for the summer.
Typing this I also must mention that my nails rock right now because they are so long and strong. It really does pay off to take your vitamins. I have a french mani on them right now and some people think that i have tips on, but in fact they are really my own nails !! woop woop !!
Yea that's all the random-ness that I have for now.
Jan. 7th, 2006
06:59 pm - 2006
My first entry of 2006
here it is ........
ok um New Years Eve I was in upstate NY at a log cabin with one channel on the television and no service on my cell phone. At midnight I was standing in front of a huge bonfire beside a lake. It was pretty. Still had memories of New Years last year and cried. But ... yea ... nothing I can do.
Saw the movie "Hostel" oh man it was DEFINATLY not worth the 10 bux. It was like watching Eurotrip with ten minutes of gore. JUST TEN EFFIN MINUTES!!!
It was lame. I was expecting a lot more knowing beforehand that others who have watched it had to be taken out by an ambulance because they passed out. What a crock.
Oh well. I am still itching to see King Kong.
I may just go out and see Narnia by myself. cuz I don't know anyone else who wants to see it.
okay that's all I got for now.
Dec. 30th, 2005
I have decided to post this now considering I will not be anywhere near a computer for the next three days...
I cannot believe that the year is coming to an end. There have been many lovely memories to remember about this year:
-Having an amazing New Years Eve!! a nice way to bring in the '05
-Coming home from Kentucky and experiencing "community college"
-Spending v-day wishing that I had that someone special
-being very lonely that I am home alone but yet at the same time spending more time with "my soulmate"
-getting my first picc line
-spending the summer down the shore more times than I ever was before in my entire life
-getting even closer with "my soulmate"
-my one week relationship in the summer
-being sick the ENTIRE month of august
-owning Phantom on DVD AND then seeing it on broadway
-losing "my soulmate"
-knowing and still experiencing a real relationship
-getting closer with my family during the holidays than ever before
SO that about wraps up my year in a nutshell.... it had both its ups and downs .... in the end i still stand on a pleatu because I enjoy where I am but at the same time I wish ONE THING was different.
:( but what can I do right?
HAPPY EARLY NEW YEARS EVERYONE !!!!!!!!
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